China Doll Love
by D R O W N-I N-S E Q U I N S
Summary: She’s cold, calculating, cruel and she makes no excuses. But she’s also a mother. Oneshot.


**So I finally got my iPod back!!! So in celebration of that I thought I'd give you guys a fic, now be nice because I'm pretty rusty, I haven't wrote anything for like ever!!! But I've been busy with summer (sweet sweet summer) so I know you guys understand! :D Anyways I really hope you guys enjoy this! Because this is my very first story in this fandom! So review pretty pretty please! Oh also this is Narcissa POV, Draco's mother. I thought I'd clear that up because I don't think I ever say her name because let's admit it, I'm not a huge name writer. :) Enjoy! **

* * *

Maybe, just maybe, she deserves this.

She's cold, calculating, cruel, she's a bitch and she makes no excuses. She wears her money as a shield and she wields her influence freely. She feels powerful when she watches people tremble in fear at her gaze. She doesn't need adoration when she has control. She doesn't need love when the world lay at her feet, hers for the taking. Her greatest ambition was never to be brilliant, just unforgettable. She's never been taught trivial things like friendship or how to care for somebody. She'd been taught to manipulate and maintain poise at all times. (she'd been taught how to be a good bride, a good wife) She's rich, she's beautiful, she's a pureblood. And she knows how to use this to her advantage. From day one she's been engaged to one of the longest more respectable bloodlines and she's not going to let it slip from her fingertips.

She knows it's not going to be a fairytale. She knows there's no Happily Ever Afters in real life and she knows that he is most definitely not her Prince Charming. She knows this. She knows him. He's colder and crueler and he'll never love her and she knows she'll never love him (never love those empty eyes or emptier soul) but he'll be rich and powerful (and she'll make a good wife). And that's okay. (she's not sure she knows what love really is) And she knows that he's going to hurt her (break her) until she's the perfect(ly obedient) wife he wants.

She knows she'll be just another trophy in his collection of pretty things. The perfect beautiful wife to stand by his side (while adverting her gaze to all of the things he does) in the portrait of his life, proving that money can in fact buy perfection (because happiness is much too frivolous to ever strive for). She pretends to not hear the shouts of women in his (their) bed and she serves dinner to his 'clients' and she does it all with her cold smile painted on (she could be a china doll, so beautiful and hallow and cold).

She knows all of that. And she knew that she'd be expected to bear his children (hopefully a son, please oh god please let it be son) and she knew all that from the start. So she plays her role. Plays the beautiful china doll wife (whom he doesn't touch because that might be interpreted for something as dreadful as feelings) and eventually he handles her long enough (his callous fingertips are burned into her mind and she hates it, hates him) to find herself with his child (hopefully a son, please oh god please let it be a son). She knows she'll raise him by herself (the nanny). She expects to look at him with the same cold hard look her mother gazed at her with. But then he's born and it's nothing like she expected. It's much too wonderful.

It's not supposed to be wonderful. She's not supposed to feel this way. And this is ruining everything she's ever wanted (the cool satisfaction of power) and suddenly all the rules are changing. He's the only person she's ever loved more than herself and she hates herself (oh the irony) for bringing him into this life. She wants to laugh but it feels like she's forgotten how (if she ever really did know) and she thinks it'd be more desperate than her sobs (this doesn't surprise her, she's never meant to be happy). She thinks that maybe, just maybe, she deserves this.

But he doesn't.

---

_You are my sunshine_

_My only sunshine_

---

She thinks she loves him the first time she feels him kick.

She's at the beach by herself (because she has nobody else) and nobody knows she's left the mansion (her gilded prison). The waves crash and foam caresses her toes until the water goes rushing back to its rightful place (does she have a rightful place?). The stars are brilliant here. She thinks for a moment, that maybe someday she'll catch one but then she chides herself for being childish. The moon shines down on her and there's a warm breeze and the sand is gritty beneath her feet. The breeze catches her dress along with the waves and she's being pulled gently into the lullaby of it all. She absentmindedly lets her hand rest on top of her swollen belly and she thinks that maybe, just maybe, everything is going to be okay. And he kicks.

It's the first time that he kicks and she jumps, startled. Then she looks down and places her hand in the same spot, he kicks again. She laughs with glee and this startles her more than the kick did. It had sounded so pure, so innocent and happy. It hadn't sounded like her one bit. She thinks it must be her baby, her little baby full of wonder and awe.

She's suddenly overcome with the overwhelming need to protect her baby. Her child from the horrors of her life. She doesn't want her child to grow up like she did. She doesn't want her baby to be so cold or empty. She wants her child to have everything. To have the world at their fingertips, to know that they're worthy of everything (even something as frivolous as love) and she promises herself that she'll do anything (absolutely anything) to protect her baby. (it's the only promise she's ever tried to keep).

A month later he's born. And it hurts and she wants to scream and cry (but she can't because she's a pureblood and that it much too primal for her) and tears silently drip down her cheeks as she clutches onto the sheets (no hands to hold) and then he's in his arms. And he's shrieking loudly and red faced and perfect and she's never felt more pleased in her life. She marvels at his tiny toes and tiny fingers and his pouty mouth. His fine blond baby hair is a shade too light to be her own but his eyes are hers and she hopes that they'll always be filled with more warmth than hers (that they'll never seen the atrocities hers have).

Her husband is pleased it's a boy and nods his head towards her before he's out the door again (she doesn't mind because he left the baby with her). She names him what her husband has instructed her to but she doesn't mind that (he makes the name perfect) and she's more exhausted then she has ever been in her entire life. She falls asleep cradling him in his arms as she sings lullabies she never knew she knew.

She likes to sit in the rocking chair and marvel at him. She knows that she was never living before, she was just an empty body performing tasks. But now, now she lives. She coos over him and finds an excuse to fire every nanny so she doesn't have to share. Her husband barely notices her absence (after all he still has his whores and hired help) and she finds her days are spent in his nursery, rocking his cradle and falling asleep with him in her arms. At night she quietly slips out of the house and brings him to the beach. She lets the foam glide over his toes and he squeals in delight as she laughs.

She's never had anybody before (never needed anybody before) but she doesn't know how she ever lived before him, without him. He's her world and her focus and she breathes to see him smile. She lets the moonlight hit his soft pale skin and watches him glow like an angel. She doesn't need the daylight when she's got him as her own personal sunshine.

And in the first time for forever, she's not cold.

---

_You make me happy_

_When skies are gray_

---

She should know by now that promises are just empty words.

But she genuinely (for the first time in her life) wanted to keep her promises to him. She wants to protect him. Save him from repeating her past (but oh, how history loves to repeat itself). But she's never been much of a defender. She's been strictly trained to obey her husband and she tries to manipulate him away but he's a darkness that sucks everything around him in.

She wants to cry as she watches her husband (that cruel man that shares her bed and buys her pretty shiny things) with her son (the only thing that means anything). She watches as breaks him the same way he broke her (but you can't really break something that was already shattered). She tries to protect him. To close his ears from harsh words and close his eyes to cold truths.

She knows she's spoiling him. She knows that she's overcompensating. She kisses his bruises and holds his hand and hugs him a little too tightly. She whispers pretty delusional lies trying to smooth away the imperfections, "Your father is just trying to make you strong, you're a pureblood and you're strong enough for this, you can't go there because you're better than those impure children you're a pureblood, I love you, I love you, I love you." (I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry).

She watches as the sunshine drains from his eyes and pretty soon it's like looking in a mirror (I'm so sorry, I wanted so much more for you). She watches as her husband, the man she's devoted to, slowly drains away the light from her son's eyes (and she hates him she hates him she hates him). She begs him, begs him to spare their son. He laughs (and it's crueler than his shouts) and tells her that he's making their son into a somebody, a somebody who isn't weak like her. But she can't stop and she begs and begs and begs. (she's black and blue for the love of her son and she'd do it all over again).

She tries. She tries to keep her promise. She tries to restore the light and she tries to keep a part of him safe, tries to keep a part of him pure (tries to recapture her baby boy who was like the sunshine). But he was born into this world (her world) and darkness surrounds them and engulfs them. (I'm so sorry, so sorry, I wanted more for you). She tries to keep her promise. Tries to fight the darkness.

But the darkness burdens their blood and the promises are just words.

---

_You'll never know dear_

_How much I love you_

---

She knows she'll get in trouble for it.

But she can't help herself, it's the only way to protect her son (her sunshine) and she can't let him down again. Her husband (she hates him, she hates him, she hates, him) is locked away for things she'd rather not think about and suddenly his burden is placed on her son (but he's still too young and innocent and pure) and she doesn't know if she can bear it.

She knows that Bella is watching her every move as she tags along. Reading her face for signs of disloyalty (how can she be disloyal when she was never loyal in the first place?) and she knows that she shouldn't be doing this, shouldn't be risking it. But for her, this is the only option.

She can feel herself tremble as she looks into his eyes. She's not entirely sure why she's here. Only she'd always felt that maybe, just maybe, he wasn't such a loyal follower after all. Darkness didn't seem to be sucking the light out of his very soul and she trusts him (her son trusts him) and her husband never really did (but as far as she's concerned that makes him all the more trustworthy) and she didn't know where else to go. (didn't know who else would have enough of a soul to make her promises they can't keep).

She's begging him, begging him to protect her son (she's begging him all sorts of things that he doesn't know, that she's not voicing but they linger just below the surface, ready to bubble over) and she can see it in his eyes that he can hear all the things she doesn't dare say aloud. Then he's promising her but Bella is reminding her how promises are just empty words (she knows this better than anybody).

So then he's making her promises that will kill him (one way or the other, they'll kill him and she knows this). He shivers ever so slightly at her touch and she's overwhelmed by the urge to laugh (because her sunshine is disappearing and what can they expect?) only it's not funny at all and she thinks that maybe she wants to cry (but she's too empty and china dolls don't cry). He looks into her eyes and promises her and she knows that he's well aware of everything he's promising her.

She leaves then and a little bit of the darkness leaves. Maybe, just maybe, she should feel guilty. Guilty for sentencing a decent man to his death. Guilty for caring only about her son. But she doesn't. She just feels tired. Tired of fighting for a war she wants no part of. Tired of losing for a cause she doesn't believe in. Tired of the darkness that surrounds her sunshine. So she doesn't feel guilty, not even a little.

She's still trying to keep her promise.

---

_Please don't take my sunshine away_

---

Maybe, just maybe, nobody deserves this.

She's cold, calculating, cruel, she's a bitch and she makes no excuses. But she's also a mother. She's trapped in a loveless marriage and she's got nowhere to run to. She's been beaten by fists and words and she's never been able to rely on anybody but herself. She's a china doll, empty and cold and fragile and beautiful. But somehow, somehow she found out how to love her son. And she tried (she tried, she really really did) to protect her son. But the darkness seeps into their veins and slowly kills them from the inside out and they're consumed by it. (he doesn't deserve this).

She watches as the light drains from his eyes and as he grows taller and stronger and colder (and suddenly she's starting to see his father and she think she may just be sick). She wants to make it all go away (please just go away) but this kind of darkness can't be chased away with a nightlight. Some wounds can't be fixed by kisses from cold lips (and she'd do anything to make those bruises go away).

They're surrounded by a war but she thinks that maybe it was all a little inventible. It's in their destiny, it's their fate to live like this (they're not the chosen ones, they're never supposed to be happy). She can wash away the stains but the memories are there and no matter how hard she tries every time she looks into his eyes she knows that he knows (I'm sorry, so sorry, because I really did want better for you).

The darkness now not only runs in his blood but is inked into his skin. And she remembers when it glowed in the moonlight, so perfect and pure. It's marred now by evil that seems to be unavoidable as it awaits for her at every turn. She can't kiss these bruises away and she can't sing a lullaby long enough to make the problems disappear. And she thinks she knows by now that this isn't going to end well.

He's finally home again and she thinks that maybe, just maybe, if she can find a way to keep him there that she can protect him. Protect him from the world, from the ink, from his blood. She watches as the sun rises. The colors bleed brilliantly onto the sky and she knows now that it looks a little like death. She thinks she knows that this is the last time she'll really see the sun.

The dark men come and go freely into her house (they always have) and she does nothing to stop them. She couldn't if she wanted to. But then they're bringing her son (her baby boy with her eyes that sparkle in the moonlight), tugging him along and enveloping him into her world, the world she never wanted him to have to be a part of.

She watches as he starts to walk towards the door and the red light from the sun casts itself onto him and makes him seem to burn in the glow (there's nothing innocent or pure about him anymore but somehow she loves him just as strongly). She grasps his arm tightly and he turns to look at her. He's confused and they're all staring at her now but she doesn't care, she'll do anything to protect her one last ray.

"Don't go Draco, please don't go," her voice is desperate and she thinks she can her a million years of sorrow in her voice at that moment. And for a second she watches as his eyes fill with light. She's thrown back onto the beach with her holding him above the ocean, just low enough for the foam to caress his feet and he squeals and she laughs. She thinks that maybe, just maybe, she can protect him from it all. But then his eyes flash again and he gently tugs him arm away (because she's his mother and he's trying to protect her) and she watches as the burden of his blood drains away the remaining light.

"I love you," and he kisses her cheek and walks out into the sunrise.

Her world is forever black.

---

_Now don't you take my sunshine away_


End file.
